9-30-10: The HSP Chairman's Fourth Assigned Blog Post

*DISCLAIMER:

>Rest assured, we are deeply sorry for the incoherent ramblings that were posted by a hacker two nights ago. We apologize sincerely and assure you that such a travesty will not happen again. In return for your patience, we hereby present an original short story from Chairman Haus, which is in no way influenced by the message left by the aforementioned hacker.

It’s been three years since the death of my dear, sweet husband, Joseph Meng. Stricken by this loss, the other wives and I only stuck together for a while before going our separate ways. As, for me, I fell in love with a small fishing village up in New England, about 80 miles out of Boston.

Well, to be honest, Carillon Point is more like two cities. Divided by the Rivier van Klokkenspel, the town consists of a primarily Dutch quarter on the north shore and everying else you can imagine on the south side of the river. Embracing my Dutch heritage once and for all, I moved into a small apartment on the north side of town looking out over the pier, in a quiet neighborhood called “Nieuw Rotterdam”.

At first I was terribly lonely without my Joseph, but I managed. I fell in love with the town’s peaceful way of life, and eventually my sadness dissipated. Of course moving here had its challenges. On the river, there is a lonely houseboat owned by a WWII veteran named Thurgood Marshstomp, and something tells me he’s stepped on one too many land mines in his day! The noise of his 12-gauge shotgun firing at any overpassing aircraft used to rattle me at first, but I’m certainly used to it by now.

My view is still obscured by that ugly rusted old crane out on the docks. What a legend it has! They say it moves around on its own and drags children into the ocean when no one’s looking. I always get a little sad when I hear this story. Joseph never wanted to have children.

But maybe I’ll get another chance. I met a lovely man today, a janitor at the “Reptile House” on Belangrijkste Avenue. He’s a young man named Wilhem Keehl. He immigrated here 20 years ago and joined the LDS church shortly after. And here’s the most interesting part: he only has four wives! Imagine that!

The End

By Docta Haus

LOL HAY GUIZE I HAXX0RD THIS BLOG TROLOLOLO

LOL IM SO FUNNY IM IN UR BLOGG BECUZ I HACCKED IT LOLOLOL LOOK AT ME!!!!!!1

ALSO U CANT BACKTRACE ME BECAUSE IM BEHIND SEVEN PROXIES LOL! I TROLE U!

HAY GUIZE WHAT IF THERE WAS LIKE A CITY WHERE WIERD STUFF HAPPEND ALL THETIME!!!!!!! LIKE. THERE COULD BE A WWII VETEREN NAEMD THURGOOD MUDKIPZ (LULZ) AND HE STEPPED ON ONE TWO MANY LAND MINEZ AND NAO HES CRAZY AND LIVES IN A HOUSE BOAT IN THE IN THE RIVER AND SHOOTS AT AIRPLANEZ!!!!!1one!!!1

OR THERE COULD BE A STORE WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE THEY SELL GROCER33Z BUT INSTEAD!!!!!!! THEY ACTUALLY SELL NUKEZ AND STUFF LIEK DAT.

AND THEN FINALLY IN THE PARK THERES THIS GIANT FOUNTAIN AND IT

IS SAID THAT IF YOU SWIM AROUND IN IT U GET TO LIVE FOREXER!!!!!! IM SO ORIGINAL L0L OMG!!!!!1ONE!!!!/1!!!

U SHOULD TOTALLY PUT THIS IN UR SOSHULUST DICTATERSHIP U GUIZ LOL ANONYMUS IS LEGION1!!!!11/1!!

HSPSMIC memo 9-26-10: "Robert Kennedy Saved From Drowning"

Dear Party Member:

We regret to inform you that our research has come up with very few results thus far. Although the panel has been in place for over a week now, we are unfortunately no closer to deciphering the message in the short story Robert Kennedy Saved From Drowning. Although a central purpose most likely exists, what it is specifically continues to escape the watchful eyes of the committee. As such we will require continued donations from you, the people of Hawaii, to allow us to continue our research in this field so as to one day hopefully come up with an answer to this complex conundrum.

Best Regards,

Stem Hammerfest

Chairman of the Hawaiian Secessionist Party Spooky Mystery Investigatory Committee

9-23-10: The HSP Chairman's Second Assigned Blog Post

Hello again! It's me, everybody's favorite sinister diabolical Hawaiian-secessionist politician!

Let me start off by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed Junot Diaz's short stories, Nilda and Fiesta. I was, however, surprised to see how similar the two stories really were to each other. On one hand, the writing style was fairly similar in that the author generally focuses his entire story on the descriptions of one or two characters. In Nilda, Nilda and the narrator's older brother Rafa receive the vast bulk of the story's character descriptions, while Diaz merely mentions the the narrator's significant life moments only in passing. It isn't until the death of his brother that the author goes more in-depth with what the story's narrator thinks.

To a degree, the same is true in his other story, Fiesta. This time, the story focuses more on the narrator himself, and his reactions to the events in the story as they develop, and only centers on Rafa marginally, while barely detailing the reactions of the parents at all, just enough to describe what is going on. Not only does this allow the reader to identify more with the protagonist, it also allows the audience to create their own mental pictures of the other characters, and lets the reader connect with the story's minor characters in this way.

As I'm sure my fellow Hawaiians have no doubt noticed, my stories follow distinct patterns as well. More than anything, I tend to focus almost entirely on plot in my stories. Everything else just seems so boring! Do the men and women of Hawaii care about feelings? Do they care about long-winded explanations? NO! They care about getting things done, and moving right along to build that shiny new subterranean/aquatic missile defense system that may or may not have been funded by rogue Marine Biology agents. This can be found in my writing. I don't develop characters that much, and stop only to give the characters enough sustenance to keep the audience's attention. I seem to get distracted from really going in depth. There's a word for that...the "talky-talk voice?" The "white noise sound?" I don't remember. I need a to get some rest before my alleged illegal workers' rally in the slums of Honolulu tomorrow. In the meantime, to distract you from the ongoing investigation about me accidentally only hiring rich Jewish attorneys and importing them from west Manhattan...

THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE IS TRUE.

THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE IS FALSE.

Sleep tight.

HSP memo 9-15-10: "Jealous Husband Returns in Form of Parrot"

*DISCLAIMER

>Rest assured, this review does not in any means imply that any member of the Hawaiian Secessionist Party was involved in last week's tragic accident in which opposition leader Vince Edwardjacob inexplicably fell out of the tree that he was climbing and miraculously landed on a pile of bullets, causing his death to look like a gruesome murder.

"Personally, I found the story to be quite interesting, to say the least. I find the whole concept of a dead man returning to his ex-lover as an animal very difficult to picture, mostly because of the way that the author fuses what the main character actually thinks with the way he acts. I liked the way the author portrayed the parrot as being able to think entirely as well as a human could, but being unable to express that. I found it communicated a sense of entrapment, that I wouldn't have otherwise picked up on, even with the cage showing literal entrapment of the bird.

"On the other hand, I was a little dissatisfied with the title. 'Jealous' often has a negative connotation, and yet in this story the husband frankly had every right to be jealous. Clearly, he loved his wife more than anything, even willing to go so far as to risk his life to ensure that he wasn't being cheated on, and for her to move on so quickly after the death of her husband made me a little sad.

"That being said, I still appreciated the story. While the subject matter of 'Nilda' was interesting to say the least, and the portrayal of characters in 'Brownies' was engaging as well, I found that I really got immersed in 'Jealous Husband' to a degree that I never was with the other stories that I have read so far. Anyone who has not read his works should check them out.

"Also, rumors of Mr. Butler funding my midterm campaign have been greatly exaggerated."

-Interview with Docta Jim, on "Radio Hawaii's Smart Time with Sammy Swimmy", 9-12-10

9-8-10: The HSP Chairman's First Assigned Blog Post

Hi everybody! I'm the Hawaiian Secessionist Party's co-founder and chairman, Benjamin "Docta Haus" Saunders. I've gotten a lot of feedback about my last riveting short story, as well as a lot of questions about the $4.3 billion that mysteriously disappeared from the U.S. treasury and was recently found inside a large shipping container in the back parking lot of our Lihue office. Unfortunately, I only have enough time to answer one of these topics, and so, after legal council from several high-powered attorneys and my associate, HSP co-founder and U.S. Senator Kevin "Docta Jim" Hirata, I have decided to talk about the former.

On the topic of truth in my writing, I find that I merely take events in real life and extrapolate them to apply to my characters. Generally, my characters become more like what I want to be like in real life. Aside from that, anything goes. Take my last story for example. The name "Ben" is so boring. In reality, I wish my parents had named me something different. Something bold. Something deadly. Something whose venom can paralyze its political opponents and stop them dead in their tracks. Something like "Krait". Hence the name was born.

But on a more direct note, I do find myself putting traits of my own personality into the characters I create. Krait is fastidious and ruthless, but above all, he's a nice person. He knows that it's up to him to save these college students from turning their own brains to mush by watching a terrible remake of an excellent British horror movie. In this way, Krait echoes my own capacity for empathy and compassion.

Moreover, he is extremely dedicated to work that he finds interesting. When I am interested in a subject, such as learning Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" on the piano, or making under-the-table deals in Washington, I become very meticulous in how I execute my job. Such is characterized in the way Krait refuses to let a single detail go past his inspection when looking for "the goods", as he put it.

Basically, this is the role that truth plays; it allows me to take parts of my own personality and give them a new form to work with. Anyway, I'm afraid that's all I have time for. I must return to my undying service to the people of Hawaii. I thank you all for your continued support, and everyone have a nice day. And I'll see you at the polls! Thank you...have a nice day.

HSP memo 9-6-10: "Looking For Something"

*DISCLAIMER:

>Rest assured, the following intense and suspenseful story is in no means intended to distract you from the fact that we are in the process of building a scale replica of Kowloon Walled City in the clouds of Mount Wai'ale'ale, within which we may or may not partake in sinister and illegal activities pertaining to the establishment of the People's Democratic Republic of Hawaii. Nor is it intended to imply that pouring bees on someone's head will be used as a form of "Happy Fun Interrogation®" upon the establishment of the aforementioned socialist dictatorship.

Without warning, Krait burst through the door, accompanied by five other heavily armed police officers. “Freeze!” he shouted, pointing his firearm at the residents of the apartment. A quick analysis of the occupants told him everything he needed to know: three college kids in their early twenties, empty pizza boxes everywhere, and the shades closed to insure that nobody could see what was happening inside. A classic setting for the diabolical activities that Krait knew occurred in places like this.

“Listen up!” he barked, as all three students were apprehended. “You can either tell us where you hid the goods and save us all the trouble, or we can tear apart every inch of the apartment until we find what we’re looking for!” Without waiting for an answer, Krait barreled past them and began to tear apart the sofa. Krait had been on the force for several years, and had performed several high-profile busts in the past, but nothing could prepare him for the monumental task he was performing tonight.

Finding nothing in the sofa, he moved into the bedroom, and blasted apart the pillows. Again, he came up empty. Leaving the rest of the bedroom to his team, Krait went into the bathroom and began furiously emptying the cabinets. Again, he found nothing. A search beneath the rug on the floor and above the light fixture on the ceiling provided Krait with the same result.

He began to get desperate. Krait knew that more than anything, it was his duty to save these kids from the fate that he had seen so many bright young people inflict upon themselves. Krait knew all too well what would happen if he failed in his search, and the thought made him shudder in disgust. He kept looking.

Angrily, Krait began to tear off the wallpaper. As he did so, he revealed a large cavity in the wall, with a shiny plastic box inside. “Aha!” He shouted, as he ripped open the box and took out the contents. Marching triumphantly back into the living room and turning towards the apartment’s occupants he tauntingly brandished what he found in the box: a DVD of the 2006 remake of “The Wicker Man”, starring Nicolas Cage.

“You know what this is?” he taunted, waving the DVD in front of their faces.

One of the kids began to reply. “I’ve…I’ve never seen that before in my li-“

“Quiet!” Krait bellowed. “You think it’s funny watching Nicolas Cage get bees poured on his head? Do you know how many brain cells you destroyed by watching this?”

The kids were speechless.

The job done, Krait snapped the DVD in half. “We’re done here. You guys are under arrest.”

The End

By Docta Haus

*DISCLAIMER:

>Rest assured that, as of now, the HSP consists of one Jewish guy living in the Seattle area, and one presumably non-Jewish guy who actually does live in Hawaii. As such, I will not be seceding from the United States to form our own socialist dictatorship any time soon. Indeed, this blogspot account was created for essentially two reasons:

1. I find tumblr Visually Unappealing®
2. I need a blog so I can write interesting and engaging short stories, and not flunk my first-ever college class.

>Rest assured that the short stories and thoughtful blog posts found on this page are not, by any circumstances, a sinister attempt to lull the masses into a false sense of security while we plan our inevitable rebellion and reestablish a separate Hawaiian state :)

>Also rest assured that if such a state were to be formed, the national anthem would most certainly not be the 1980 song "I Love You to Death" as performed by David Hodo in the critically acclaimed film "Can't Stop the Music" starring the Village People and featuring "The Musical Sounds of the '80s."